I always tend to post in my LJ when I'm sad, lonely or upset. I think I'm posting right now is mostly because I'm lonely and really bored. I have been this entire weekend.

I think I post here for attention even though I know getting any is a hit or miss since I doubt anyone reads my lj anymore; but that's ok since posting still give me something to do.

I'm not terribly lonely but this weekend has definately sucked. I know I should be studying but I have ADD beyond any doubt. I have to read a sentence 3 times to get what its saying and once I'm done reading a page I won't be able to remember what I've just read let alone comprehend it all and put it into the correct context. But Whatever, nothing will change until I see that special doctor who will test me to make sure I have it for real so I can get medication to help me focus better.

Classes are coming along. Not much to report here. All of my professors seem pretty cool except for my geology professor, he's pretty fucking lame.

My new roommate, Mike is cool; we talk once in a while but he's like me; a loner. My big fat 300lber of a roommate is still here but I don't let him bother me as much as I used to except when he plays music rediculously loud then I have to answer him by playing music just as loud to drown out his shitty tunes.

I still firmly believe I'll die an old maid, its my destiny.

I know I'm not really as sad an individual as I think I am, I do have some things going for me.

But I still feel like I'm waiting for my life to start....

I'm not really depressed. I've been doing fine, still keepin' on keepin' on.

I'm dying for Dr. Bob to call me. I really like him and I would feel so much better knowing that he has made a concious decision to talk to me. God, a week of talking on the phone, online, and one date has made me kind of crazy. Well, the crazyness is over, it has been for a week or more now.

I won't be hurt if he doesn't call me. I'll just know that he isn't thinking about me and it will be ok; that way I know he's not worth pursuing.

I have no friends here. I would like to get some but I guess it will be like last semester. I mean i'm perfectly fine on my own and all but friends would definately add to the quaitly of life I have here.

I'm not sure what my problem is. Well, I know that I don't try to facilitate any friend making; besides a few vague comments on facebook.com

I havn't had a cigarette since September 11 but I've only been to they gym some 4 times since the semester has started. I really need to get in there if I'm going to reach my goals. I'm feel like I'm getting fat again.

I'm going to start working here on campus as a computer lab assistant for the Art Department. I'll be managing a whole bunch of Apple PowerMac G5's. How exciting. I gave my boss my schedule today in email and I think he may want to start training me tomorrow and thursday.

His name is Jason and I think he's sexy. I'm really looking forward to working with those Macs, and with Jason!

I don't know why I always develop fascinations and obessions with men who are off limits and out of my league. Isn't this kind of behaviour self defeating? I have a therapy session tomorrow, I'll as my doctor.

My 300lb of a roommate is a filthy pig and I really hate him. Most people wouldn't say its that bad but he drives me insane. I smell him. I will not sit on the toilet until I clean it with lysol on every visit. He showers maybe twice a week. His bedroom is gross. I'm tired of smelling his black & milds. Everything about him really urkes me.

Maybe I'm just angry because I'm unhappy. But I don't really feel unhappy. Classes are going ok, well if computer science & math don't get better I'm looking at another miserable mediocre 3.0. I have ADD but I can't afford to fix it, yet.

I feel like balling up and crying. Crying for someone to want me. I want tenderness and cuddling god damn it!

I eat too much. I think about my next meal while I'm eating a meal. I enjoy cooking and eating too much.

I havn't smoked herb even longer than I've not smoked a cigarette. I'm wondering if I'll ever smoke pot herb again.

I really want to get into the habit of updating regularly again. I miss having LJ friends a lot. I remember I first started LJ in 2003 back when I was at my lowest point yet. I found the communities helpful in keeping my sanity.

Well I think this is long enough for now. I'm going to go feed my face now.

I have final examinations this week. Russian and German on Wednesday, Geology on Thursday, then International Politics on Friday. Moving back into my parents house on saturday. My birthday and mothers day is sunday and I'll probably be headed out to California on monday I guess?

Yeah Alex wants me to join him out in California, he's doing some work consulting Yahoo! I've been debating if I should actually go or not because he'd essentially be paying for me the whole time, even my ticket. Last night I told him I wasn't sure if I should go he basically said it is up to me and that i wouldn't have to worry about anything, just enjoy. Sounds cool. He's really sweet and he always takes care of me. he totally caters to me. I guess Jews really do make good partners. hehe

I keep forgetting where I'll actually be. It's San something....sunnyvale rings a bell...i need to call him tonight. I really want to meet you Daria but i'm not sure how close I'll be to you nor do I know your schedule. I reallly need to talk to Alex.

Apple still has my iBook. I havn't had it for almost two weeks come tuesday. This is some shit, I have exams this week and I took ALL my notes on my laptop and all kinds of stuff is on it that I need to study with. AAHH I'm totally pulling my hair out, i need it by wed at the latest to study for geology on thrus then intl politics on friday. I miss my baby sooo much!

I'm outie for now

So my so called best friend has had a boyfriend for a couple of months now. She's totally wrapped up in the worthless bastard.

Kenny Wicks: so the truth is I deliberately signed off when you messaged me earlier.
thequeenkicks: you dog
thequeenkicks: why?
thequeenkicks: were you mad]?
Kenny Wicks: YES
thequeenkicks: why? bc i didn't call u back?
Kenny Wicks: Because I feel neglected and thrown to the side. I'm old news.
Kenny Wicks: no one calls me down here. no one has come to visit me. I guess its like they say, "out of sight, out of mind"
Kenny Wicks: you spent your spring break having sex with mirza. i was here all alone.
8:55 PM
Kenny Wicks: I need to do research
thequeenkicks: sorry
thequeenkicks: ok but i just want to say that i didn't come to see you spring break not because of morza but because i had to babysit everyday
thequeenkicks: mirza*
thequeenkicks: and i am not neglecting you it's just hard bc you're in charlotte. you're the one who never comes home
9:00 PM
Kenny Wicks: the fact that i'm in charlotte doesn't really mean anything, we could still keep in touch thru aim and telephone. how am i supposed to feel when you dont return phone calls.
Kenny Wicks: I guess i'm not rememberable
thequeenkicks: you're right. i'm really sorry i didn't call you back. I am wrapped up in my love affair bc it's new and exciting. he's ignoring his friends all together. but it's not always gonna be like that. we'll get used to each other soon and our lives can go back to normal. it's just this is how being in love is. it's like being on a really strong drug
thequeenkicks: you are rememberable. i haven't even talked to my sister lately and she was mad until she fell in love herself
thequeenkicks: and now neither one of us has time for the other
9:05 PM
Kenny Wicks: i cant talk about this anymore, you're only making me more upset. goood night. enjoy your dc trip. i'll c you when i c u



So someone please tell me how I should feel after that. Am I just going to have to fall in love then I'll feel better about her not giving a shit how I feel? Is it me? Am I just being jealous? I really don't think so, I just would like to be remembered and cared about. I'm really upset and I have to write a paper tonight.

And its not just her, my other friends too. No one has come to visit me, I live approximately an hour to an hour and a half depending on traffic and no one has attempted to visit me. No one calls me its always me that calls them. Am I really that worthless?

Ok So I'm back in Charlotte, UNCC and things are OK. Classes are going ok...My Russian professor is nuts, My German professor mumbles, my Geology professor is hot, and my International Politics professor is probably republican.

So I remember now what contributed to me losing my mind the last semester I was here...me not having friends thus being extremely lonely. I have not made a friend yet, well I sort of made one, Adam. I only know Adam because he's from winston-salem and Sarah Ann knows him, we have Russian together. He's a nice guy but he's in winston a lot it seems and he lives off campus, and has a girlfriend or course. Guys who have girlfriends around here are never around I've noticed. Two of my roommates have girlfriends so I rarely see the fuckers.

So I should shoot myself for being so lame...I see my shrink again wed, hopefully she can help me. She says I should join some clubs. I have been thinking about German club and College Democrats but I don't know.

Man I havn't smoked since I got here, more than a week and I've hardly been smoking cigarettes, too.

I'm really missing my winston friends! Boo Hoo. Like they say, you don't know what you've got till it's gone, or until its an hour or so away.

I'm trying my best to not become depressed, and mostly I havn't been. I've just been sitting at my desk wondering aimlessly around the internet and feeding my face. That's another thing I'm eating too much because i'm so fucking bored.

I have gone to the gym once since I've been here and I think going to the gym is something I can do to pass the time. Ok so I totally reposted this from my myspace, please forgive me but I didn't feel like regurgitating this stuff. I'm out for now, peace.


Since I last posted. I'm doing fine. I havn't been up to much besides working and maybe hanging out once a week. I'll be moving out of my apartment soon; December 5th is my last day actually. From that date I will temporarily be moving in my parents house until I go back to school in jan, back to UNCC in Charlotte. Yes I am finally going back to school after much ado. I finally got a bunch of shit done and I register for classes tomorrow.

MADONNA'S NEW ALBUM COMES OUT NEXT WEEK!

The last cd I bought was MADONNA'S last album, American life. And the cd i bought before that was MADONNA'S album, Music. Notics a pattern? MADONNA is the only artists' cd I will buy. This album is supposed to be an all dance album which I'm very excited about. I downloaded her HUNG UP music video today. It's really cool...lots of cool dancing and MADONNA looks so hot in the video, I like it when she's playing DDR. She looks FUCKING GREAT to be in her early 40's...GOD SHE ROCKS!!

There's this guy Garrette I've been obsessing about this past week. I want to call him but i'm not supposed to. I promised Sarah Ann I wouldnt; that I'd wait until he calls me....if he ever does. I don't see any reason why he would.

I'm a litte worried about school. Mostly about getting back to the groove of things. Of being in a classroom. I'm especially worried about my German class. As if my german was not up to par already, after almost two years it's rusty....and that's an understatement. I'm going to go to the first few classes and if I don't think I can handle it at this point and time then I'll put it on the back burner. But eventually I will have to take it...German is only my second major!

Arg I should go to bed. I'm bored and I do have a long day ahead of me. Well that's it for now, Id like to post more but I'm always so dman lazy. I think i need to take some aderol for some motivation. Oh Well. Guten Nacht!

So another semester is about to begin and I won't be going back to UNCC. Shit I can't even go to tech because I still owe UNCC money and they won't send transcripts until I pay them off in full.

The past few days I've been trying to figure out what the fuck I am going to do. I thought of leaving town. I thought that it'd be great to just move to some random place. I was thinking west coast....perhaps....Santa Cruz?

But then I thought, maybe I should go backpacking through Europe! Uh as if I could afford it. It does sound like fun tho.

I do know that I will have to get furniture. I've put off buying furniture for 8 months already, I think it's time. Too bad I just missed tax free weekend to buy a nice computer desk and chair. FUCK.

Oh so my brother is going to the NBA didn't you hear? Ha ha well he's got some time, I mean he's only 13. This past weekend he played on some tournament in las vegas. Michael Jordan's son is apparently on this team. He sponsored the trip of course. My dad told me some school in Dayton, OH offered my brother to play for them. He's been playing on teams with seniors in high schools. Apparently he's really good.

I'm really glad for my father because I see how proud he is of my brother, Kendall. Kendall is everything I am not; everything my father wanted from me. My father tried relentlessly to get me into sports. I tried most, basketball, baseball, football, soccer, and golf but I didn't enjoy them.

I mean I am his namesake, I am a JR, named after him. I'm sure he regrets that. I bet he wishes he had saved it for his second son.

Please know that i"m not bitter or anything. I'm glad that my father has my brother kendall. It give him energy and a sense of purpose. His world revolves around my brother and he loves it. If he didn't have kendall he would be a very different person.

this is long enough....to be continued.....

So weird things have been happening. Like, I'm becoming aware of just how small winston-salem really is. So a few days ago I was reunited with my friend Candy, who I knew back in middle school.

Well it turns out that my friend Dana knows Candy. She had talked mentioned her name like a million times and I never even thought that it could be my Candy. I think you spell Candy with an "Y", or an "I". I dunno....

But anyway Dana called me from Candy's phone one day and I didnt answer, I soon called back and Candy answered. She gave the phone to Dana. I guess she recognized my voice she said and I asked fit I went to Wiley. I was like yeah who the fuck want's to know, in my head of course.

So yeah Candy and I have been reunited. They actually came by that same day. It was so good to see her. I can't wait till we can hang out with each other.

And also the same day I ended up meeting my friend James friend who's name also happens to be James. I met him online, and we happened to get along really well and liked the same stuff. I ended up showing pictures from POTD and the other James was in some of the pics. He was like "dude thats my best friend."


SHITS CRAZY

So last night I was a total pizza guy, on like a busy as hell day. I was freaking making pizzas and I dealt with the late night rush which meant that i was sticking my hands and arms and head into an oven practically every 10 seconds. I have the burn marks to prove it.

Everyone was kind of freaking out because I guess they think I'm slow or something. They didnt think I could do it. I actually asked my boss, Howard, If i could run the ovens earlier that day. He kinda said no but not specifcally, no. Ha I ended up doing it anyway.

Cameron said he's going to tell the owners how well I did and to schedule me on the pizza station because two nights ago one of our pizza guys fell on his arm hard. He's going to be out of commission for 10 weeks. Ouch. He has a cast from his shoulder to his hands apparently.

Let's see...my father and brother are in Tennesee for this AAU National Basketball tournament. They'll be there for a week. My parents anniverary is tomorrow. Sucks for them because my mom stayed back here in winston. I'm going to have to remember to call her everyday so she feels like i'm looking out for her even tho she and i both know she does not need to be looked after. It's a gesture or something.

OMG this is a long post....I never post....oh


I've been tripping a lot. The last time was last monday.....the whole day i was conufsed, freaked out in the ABC a bit....visuals and body high kicked in like 7 hours later, lol. Everything was beautiful. Saw words and letters on the bathroom and living wall. I could spell them out to make words or even speak them and they'd rearrange. A vase of flowers blosommed and bowed to me. Thought i was in a barn, thought i was in a castle. The painting on the wall was alive, the flowers moved, it was sooo fluid! Omg it was super awesome. Watched independence day toward the end, thought the world was coming to an end because an alien race wanted to kill us just because, well they did want out natural resources.

I didnt get to see Keoki or go to the party yesterday, oh and amelia had a party too. I missed so much fun stuff this weekend i'm pissed. I missed dana's bday at keoki on friday. I missed those djs at the millinium center last night, and amelias party was last night too.

I made dana take pics, i'll be so bitter when she gives me my camera back and i see all the fun they had. I'm going to have them printed out for her as her bday gift, i let her use my camera..


well thats enough for now....

THUMBS UP OR DOWN?

So I keep losing myself within myself. My mind goes and goes a million miles a minute and I'm in this world. I mean it's like the real world, but things are different. We have conversations and make jokes. I sit here by myself totally cracking up at myself, by myself. LIke everything is connected and flows into each other.

Hey here are some pics I took of Andy

( Andy )


So today is Memorial day. I am going over to my parents. My sister is coming to town with her girlfriend Tonya and their friend Nick. Apparently my dad is cooking out. He'd cookout everyday if he could I think. I wouldn't mind it at all one bit actually.

I wonder how it will go....it will be weird no doubt. I dunno....I need to smoke.

( For You Daria )

here are some pics that I took of Josh, the guy who made my birthday the best ever! Love him to death!

( Here's Josh Doing His Thing )

So here are the photos from Planet of The Drums, they're not that great as I'd hope them to be but oh well they're all I've got. I hope you guys enjoy!

( Click here to see PHOTOS! )